


blossoming touch

by crystalldragon



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, genji is still very angsty but dw zen is there for him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 02:32:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13180518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalldragon/pseuds/crystalldragon
Summary: After months of recovery under Zenyatta’s teachings, Genji begins to feel worse again. Zenyatta advices him to try writing a diary.Enticed by this idea, Zenyatta tries it out himself. He completely misses the point of ‘diary’ though – and so they end up exchanging letters instead of writing diaries. Will it help in making Genji feel better again?





	blossoming touch

He finds his master near the temple, on one of the spots overlooking the monastery's village. The monk is meditating, radiating peace and tranquility as usual. Even though Zenyatta has shown him so much on how to let go of one's worries, Genji still feels far away from being like him. To appreciate the world and its wonders, free from any disquiet – he aspires to live like him.

_Zenyatta is truly a masterpiece._

He smiles under his mask at that thought and approaches the omnic.

"Good morning, Master Zenyatta," he says softly as he sits down next to him in the same pose. "I hope I did not interrupt your meditation."

The omnic moves his faceplate to his side to look at his student. "Good morning, Genji," he answers. "You did not interrupt anything. You are always welcome to join me." 

Genji smiles brighter at the sincere words and tries to focus on meditating with Zenyatta.

 

It had taken him a long time to reach the point where he could meditate properly without either falling asleep or getting a panic attack. After weeks of training, he seemed to get better at focusing with every new session. Proud of himself couldn't even begin to describe how he felt. He started to believe that there was really a way he could get better and recover from all the pain and misery of his former life. 

But all that improvement was turned into nothingness when he experienced increasingly more setbacks again. Even though he and Zenyatta had grown into close friends and he very much enjoyed his presence, he gets overwhelmed with his thoughts and feelings more often again - and he cannot understand why. Which always results in a loss of concentration.

 

Today it’s happening again: Not much time has passed when he starts getting fidgety again. Of course, Zenyatta immediately senses that something is bothering him, so he pauses his meditation. 

"What is wrong, my student?"

Genji sighs. "I don't know. I guess letting go of my troubles has started to become... more difficult again." 

Zenyatta turns to him and hums. "That sounds certainly disconcerting. Have you tried something else than meditation yet?"

"Not really…"

"You should remember that, while meditation often works, sometimes that alone is not enough. Letting out leftover energy by doing sports or sparring can help, if that is your problem. Helping the others in the village or simply talking to others can help you clear your mind. Though if you do not wish to talk right now, writing your thoughts and feelings down in something called a 'diary' is something that can help with clearing your mind as well.”

_A diary, huh? Sounds like a fairly good idea._

“Writing a diary does sound promising. I think I will try it out.” He observes the omnic for some moments, unsure of what to say or do further.

“Did you ever do that, master?” He asks.

“I did not.” Zenyatta tilts his head. “But now that I am thinking about it, I see no reason as to why I should not give it a try as well. It sounds like an interesting way of self-reflection.”

“If I remember correctly, we own a couple of blank books for you to use, down at the village’s library. You should visit them and see for yourself.”

Genji nods and stands up, bowing to the omnic before leaving. "I will. Thank you, master."

"It is the least I can do, Genji."

 

 

Fortunately, Genji got what he wanted at the small library. Though he ended up helping some women at the village beforehand, which helped him further to set his mind at ease.  
By afternoon, he arrives back at his room, where he spends the rest of the day with writing.

 

_Dear Diary,_

 

_Master Zenyatta adviced me to start writing this diary. He told me that maybe writing my thoughts and feelings down will help me in dealing with them._

_To be honest, I'm not sure what to write here. I've never written a diary. I always thought it was pointless, but here I am. I've also never thought that I'd get killed by my brother, or that I’d end up working for an international organization that turns me into a cyborg and uses me as their weapon. And I've never thought I'd end up in a monastery after attempting suicide. But here I am._

_I guess I'm starting with my day today. This day hasn't been the greatest so far. I woke up in the middle of the night. Woken up by the same dream I so often have. I do not want to go into detail right now, it's too painful. I spent the rest of the night laying awake in bed. After sunrise, I went looking for Zenyatta to meditate with him. Everything seemed fine, until ... Until it started again._

_I can't really describe it, all I know is that it made me feel restless again. It felt like a strange ache._

_I wish I could talk to Zenyatta about it, but how can I talk about something I can't explain?_

_In his presence I always felt safe and peaceful, but now that alone isn't enough. I can't put my finger on what it is, or what changed and it's making me crazy._

_I hope I'll figure it out soon enough._

__

 

Satisfied with his work, he puts the book into his shelf and hops into bed afterwards, hoping for a good night rest for once.

 

 

The next day, Genji wanders over to the temple to visit Zenyatta and tell him about his success.

 

"Zenyatta?" He knocks on the door to his room.

A surprised gasp comes from the other side, followed by some rumbling until the door opens to reveal the familiar faceplate of his master.

"Genji! Come in," he opens the door as invitation for him to enter.

As Genji enters the small, almost unfurnished room, he thinks about the last time he'd been here. It has been a while since, and it was most certainly not under good circumstances. The first few days at the monastery, he'd often rummaged around at night, because he couldn't stand being in that dark room of his, alone with his thoughts. Actually, he was more like a hurt puppy, unable to be left alone for too long. Zenyatta had ended up accommodating him in his private quarters for the time being. To an outsider it must have looked quite strange, because Zenyatta hadn't done _that_ much besides keeping him company. But that was all Genji needed at that time. As his confidence grew, he started sleeping in his own room again. Seeing the monks room, almost the same as last time, except for a pile of papers laying on the floor, reminds him once again of how much has transpired between them in the short period of time of a few months. And it sparks off the selfish desire to stay here again. But even if he still deals with insomnia, it would be an unwanted invasion of Zenyatta’s privacy.

"I saw you helping at the village yesterday. Are you feeling better now?" Zenyatta sits down on one of the cushions and pads the place next to him, inviting him to sit down as well, which he does.

"Yeah, it was good. I am glad the others are so accepting of me." 

"I am glad of that too, though there is no reason they should not be. You – just like everybody else – should be treated with respect, and people who don’t do that get a not-so-friendly-reminder about their inappropriate behavior from me.”

Genji laughs and blushes under his mask.

"Oh! While you are here already," Zenyatta says, turning away from him to pick up the bundle of papers from the floor. "Our talk about diaries got me somewhat interested. I wrote something last night, but I figured I could not write much about myself or my daily experiences. So instead, I wrote something about others and their lives. More specifically, about you."

"I would like you to have it," Zenyatta says at last, handing him the paper sheets.

Genji stares at the omnic in disbelief. "Master, that is not the purpose of a diary. A diary is only for yourself."

"Then maybe what I have written is something that no longer calls itself a 'diary', but 'A collection of thoughts about my dearest student'.”

Genji blushes deeply, thankfully not visible to the omnic. "Master, I can't..." He starts, but Zenyatta shushes him. 

"Genji, I am okay with you reading this. I made it for you."

He places the pad of paper in Genji's lap and nods in its direction.

"Thank you, master. It means so much to me that I inspired you to do this. I..." he trails off, suddenly feeling a bit too vulnerable. Surely he could cry from happiness at how much the omnic pays attention to others and how much effort the omnic puts into securing especially his wellbeing. Though if that would happen, he'd cry an ocean worth of tears in no time. His caring nature never ceases to amaze Genji.

He looks to Zenyatta and notices how his delighted aura falters. Feeling more worried now, he opens his mouth to ask what is bothering him, but Zenyatta starts speaking before he does. 

"I apologize, Genji. I did not mean to overwhelm you with what I did. It just feels like you are having a hard time again, and I do not know why. I just wanted to give you something positive. I hope that wasn't too invasive of me."

Genji shakes his head. "No, it is okay! It is me who should be apologizing. Normally I would have talked to you about what has been bothering me long ago, but... I am not able to. It is just too difficult for me to find the right words. But I will get better, I hope." 

Zenyatta sighs. "I hope so too. Shall we meet again today after sunset?"

"Of course."

 

 

As soon as Genji arrive at his own quarters, he lays down on his futon and opens the letter.

 

_Dear Genji,_

_I did not know what to write about myself, so I started writing about you. I hope you will keep this for one of your bad days, and that it will help you in reminding you of your worth._

_There is so much about you that I admire. You are not only beautiful, you are also smart, respectful and open-minded. A total contrast of what you were when I met you for the first time. During the time we spent together, you transformed from a lost soul into a magnificent, clever being._

_I cannot help but admit that you have changed my life. More than any other student of mine has. More than any other of the encounters I have had so far. The situation you were in when we first met was as unique as yourself. When you told me about what happened, I wondered about why such a good soul as you had to experience such awful things in his life. It just seemed unfair._

_But all these things have turned you into an enormously wise person. Probably wiser than me or the other monks at the monastery. As much as you could have possibly learned from me, as much I have learned from you, and there is probably still much I could learn from and about you._

_Whatever you do, keep in mind that I am proud of you and - should you be in need of it - there is always a place for you by my side. You and your problems will never be a burden. Remember that._

__

Genji stares at the letter for some time, completely frozen, until he presses the letter against his chest, burrowing his face into the pillows and letting out a desperate wail. Tears had already formed in his eyes after the third sentence, now finally spilling over and dropping onto the duvet cover. His mind plays over the last few months - the time he and Zenyatta spent together, how close they have grown during this time. Genji doesn't remember being so close to anyone else before. It has been long enough since he’s felt any form of closeness to anyone at all. Then his loneliness, the longing, the confusion - feelings he experiences more and more frequently when thinking about Zenyatta. He doesn't know what exactly they are, _if_ they are anything besides master and student at all. He just knows that something is there, wanting and waiting for him to act. 

And now, the freezing mountain air feels far too cold, his room feels far too lonely and the huge bedsheets around him feel far too empty.

 

_Is this what being in love feels like...?_

 

Completely elated, he gathers his papers and his pen to formulate a response letter. 

_Dear Zenyatta,  
Thank you for your letter. I really enjoyed reading it._

 

_...No, absolutely no. That sounds too professional._

 

_Dear Zenyatta,  
I would like to talk about you._

 

 _ **No!**_ Genji erases his written words once again. _That sounds totally dumb!_

 

_Hello Zenyatta.  
Your words touched me and motivated me to write back to you._

 

Genji sighs. What now? He thinks for a few minutes before trying to erase it again, but upon seeing how ruined the paper sheet is by now, decides to just throw it away.

 

_Okay. Concentrate. Let's try it once more._

 

If someone had told Genji that writing a sincere letter about his feelings to his master would be one of the most difficult things in his life, he'd laughed at them. But now, after hours and hours of writing and ending up throwing paper after paper across the room with a disgruntled sigh, he'd believe it wholeheartedly. Talking to Zenyatta face-to-face about his problems and thoughts was difficult enough. But even then, Zenyatta would always help him voice his thoughts and soothe him right away as soon as it’d become too much. That advantage is missing now. He doesn't know where to start and end his thoughts, so everything that ends up on his paper are unsorted and unfinished thoughts.

He scans over what he has written so far.

 

_Dear Zenyatta_

_Ever since you taught me how to accept myself more, I have gotten a lot better. So much that I cannot put it into words. I do not worry about what others think of me as often as I used to. I know that I can live in peace and happiness, even with this altered body. Though I still cannot say that I could define myself as 'beautiful'. I cannot look at my face with something else than disgust. Further than that, I think about the way I used to feel everything around me – from fluffy bed sheets to someone else's soft skin. Now, I am afraid of touch because – why would anyone want to be touched by the mess that is me?_

_These are both the biggest things that I miss. Things I took for granted when I was still fully human. I did never think about what a significant role touch plays in one’s life. And it's just not the same now. I miss it so much._

_There is nothing I can do about it. No one else understands my pain. I feel left alone.  
_

While reading, he imagines Zenyatta, reading his absolutely nonsense writing, and anxiety hits him like a train. Should he really give this to Zenyatta, someone who probably doesn’t even understand his situation, just like already wrote? What if Zenyatta reads it and is disappointed in him because he’s such a greedy fool, what if he’s disgusted by it, leading to an awkward atmosphere between them? What if they meet later on, and Zenyatta tells him that it would be better for them to part ways, to find someone else to fulfill his desires? 

He doesn't want someone else.

 

The problem seems to solve itself, as Genji's exhaustion takes over and he falls asleep on the paper mountain at his table.

 

 

_”Why are you such a coward?”_

_Hanzo stands before him in that same defensive stance he had until moments before his death. He looks down at him, kneeling on the ground, his face showing nothing but disgust at his non-human body. Before Genji can get a grasp on what’s going on, or much less answer him, his brother had already crouched down before him to continue his onslaught._

_“First, you fail your own clan. Then, you get a second chance at living, and you mess up that too? What kind of despicable being are you?”_

_“You don’t know anything about me,” Genji answers, his voice wobbly._

_“Oh, I know you better than you think. I’m your brother after all.” He tips his mask. “Take it off.”_

_His shaking hands seemingly move on their own, without his command. He opens the parts holding his mask together, baring him to the outside world._

_When he opens his eyes, Hanzo has already disappeared, leaving him alone to the bright, chilly emptiness. The almost painfully frigid air hits his bare face and he looks around to find nothing but a reflection of himself before him. Glancing at what is staring back at him, his throat becomes tighter with every breath he takes, and he’s going suffocate if it doesn’t stop soon._

_In the silence of the seemingly endless void around him, what he sees is not only a man who has lost his good looks, but rather_ himself _._

_He punches the ground before him and it breaks like glass. The reflection before him shatters like a mirror and with it the rest of the illusion falls apart._

 

 

With shaky breaths and in a cold sweat, the cyborg wakes up again, looking around him to find himself back in his own plain room. Swift hands move to take off his mask. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, he mentally goes over the events of his dream again.

If he’s being honest with himself, the message behind it was clear, and true – there is still a long way to go until he has really accepted every part of his body. The way his face looks now has always been just a minor issue compared to everything, one he mentally threw onto the big pile of problems he had. But now it was taking a bigger toll on him than he expected, just like he wrote in his letter to Zenyatta.

 

Looking outside, he notices the sun had already begun to set and remembers that Zenyatta and him wanted to meet by sunset. He groans and tries to get up, but gives up once he feels how weak his legs are. _Fuck. Not now. Not now. Not now..._ His entire body feels too heavy to move. He wants to claw at his skin, get rid of the phantom pain, the parts that don’t belong to _him_. Synthetic fingers tear into the futon and grab the diary from his lap to throw it across the room. “Not now!” he screams out loud, but it doesn't help. Every single failure comes crashing down on him again, how his family betrayed him, how Overwatch used him, how he is just a shell of a man - nothing more than wires and synthetic flesh. If he lets these thoughts get the better of him, he won't be able to get to meet Zenyatta on time. And he doesn't want to disappoint his master even more. Even if he will end up telling him to leave the monastery for good.

_You are such a loser. Did you really think you made any progress? You never will. Nothing will change and you will stay forever this way, broken, alone, a failur-_

_"Genji?"_

 

A hand touches his arm. Metallic and cold, but still soft, gentle, assuring. Reminding him that he is here, he is real, he can feel. He can feel the smooth texture of the metal digits, the touch igniting little sparks across his arm. Opening his eyes, he finds his vision blurry from fresh tears, but he manages to make out Zenyatta kneeling before him. 

_No, no._

"Genji," the soft robotic voice says again, interrupting the terrorizing voices as if he could look inside his head. 

"I'm sorry," Genji says in a quiet whisper, his voice wavering. 

"It's okay, my dearest." Zenyatta lightly squeezes his arm.

More tears start to fall as he remembers the words in Zenyatta's letter. He is just too good to him, and now he's destroying everything again -

"I am such a disappointment," he sobs into his lap. 

"Why?"

"Because I destroyed everything you built up with hard work. As soon as I think it'll get better I-" he sniffs and hiccups between his words, "I start feeling worse again. You wrote such encouraging words to me, and now I'm at the bottom again. In the end, everyone will abandon me and then I will be alone."

"No," Zenyatta says with such intensity that Genji lifts his head from his lap to look at the omnic. "You have to remember that progress is not a straight line. It may seem like you fell a few steps, but that does not mean that you are going back. Especially in your case it's only normal that you're having some days where you are feeling worse than the day before. That is okay. The only important thing is that you are moving forward. And you will never be alone in this. Not as long as I am still here."

Slowly, his tears stop and the sobbing ebbs away at the comforting words from the omnic, a balm to Genji’s soul. He looks to the diary and the other paper sheets laying scattered across the floor. _Fuck it,_ he thinks and decides to just confess everything to him now.

"Master..." He takes a deep breath and starts again. "I feel more at peace with what I am now, thanks to you. At least, it's much better than the time before I arrived here. But there are still some other thing that have been... bothering me. When I was still fully human, my face was one of the most important outlets to express myself. I played around with a lot of things - makeup, hair colors and so on. I had a lot of acquaintances to be around, and as I may have told you before, I often had others sharing my bed. I took all of these things for granted. When I became... what I am now, I existed mostly alone. Almost no one cared for me, or I wasn't feeling good enough to let anyone in. It feels like it's been a decade since I've last felt the comforting touch of someone. And I've never had anyone see... what I look like now. Confronting this problem is very hard for me, but I think I am ready now and I hope you will accept me, no matter what."

He moves to sit upright in front of Zenyatta, who’s currently unmoving, staring at him wordlessly. With every second that passes on, the same feeling from before takes hold of him again. That longing, aching feeling. He knows he's alone in this fight for as long as he won't fully confide in anyone.

 

Genji slowly reaches for the back of his head to unclasp the machinery holding his mask together. "I want to you to see it."

Zenyatta wakes from his stiffness to stop him in his actions with his own hands. "Genji, you don't have to..." The last thing Zenyatta wants right now is for Genji to feel pressured into doing this.

"Don't worry, I want to."

The hatches open with a hiss and his left hand shifts to remove the piece of his mask that covers his face. He knows he's probably even more ugly than usual now, with the damp tears on his face, but he doesn't care. Zenyatta would surely accept whatever he saw beneath.

Zenyatta's hands stay unmoving in the air for some moments before they reach up to his face. His fingertips brush slightly against his cheeks, silently asking for permission to touch him. Genji smiles and puts his hand over Zenyatta's, giving him permission. The omnic cups his face in both of his hands and rubs his thumbs along his cheeks with such gentleness it makes Genji tear up again.

 _Say something, say something, say something..._ his mind screams. He shuts his eyes. It's unbearable. He feels like glass, slowly shattering. If it weren't for Zenyatta, who, through careful choosen words and actions, puts every piece of him together again.

"Genji," Zenyatta starts slowly. "I wish you could see yourself the way I do." He moves his hands to his jaw, eager to explore this unfamiliar territory. "What I see when I look at you is a fierce warrior who kept on fighting, even if everything seemed hopeless and meaningless. Someone who has experienced so much wrath and suffering, but still strives to spread love and positivity, to make the world a better place. Someone who bears an unbelievable amount of wisdom and strength, which he is willing to share with the world.”

Zenyatta continues to hold both of his hands in his, tilting his head as he observes their hands. “Also, physical touch is a form of communication for every being. It is something absolutely normal and you should not be ashamed for wanting it, even though the way you sense it may be different now. I am so proud of you. Do not ever doubt that, my sparrow."

Genji blushes at the nickname and bumps his forehead against Zenyatta's faceplate, smiling widely in gratification. Nothing can describe the relief he’s feeling, like his greatest burden has just been lifted off his shoulders. He is finally free, free from this terrifying cage that kept him isolated for so long. 

In the comfort of his own private quarters, the sun already disappearing behind the mountains and the only sounds being the wind and the chimes outside, he realizes just how much he _needed this_. Someone to _really_ look at him and tell him that there is more to him than scars and torn flesh, more than wires and artificial parts. Along with the comforting presence, the touch of someone who cares for him. Someone who offers him peace.

_I'm not afraid of breaking anymore._

More tears start to fall. 

"You are..." Genji whispers, "You are just so unbelievably nice to me. I do not understand what I did to deserve you, but I am thankful every day for it. Thank you."

"I mean every word I said and wrote, Genji. You deserve to be happy. And I am thankful for your existence, too. I am so glad that we got to meet in this lifetime."

Genji closes the distance between them by crawling into the omnics lap, embracing him and laying his head on his shoulder. "I am more than happy."

He hears Zenyatta letting out a quiet affirmative hum, his own arms coming to wrap around him. Genji chuckles lowly when he feels how warm the omnics chest is, and how much noise the machinery of his core is generating.

 

_Is this what being in love feels like?_

**Author's Note:**

> i actually wanted to post this waay ealier, but then school and stuff happened and put me into a Big Depression™ but now i finally got time to finish it! i hope you liked it!
> 
> btw happy new year to yall, i hope you have a sweet 2018!!  
> 


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